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Do Canadian Parents Raise Their Kids to be Obedient?
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By BUNMI LADITAN | iVillage Canada
We've all heard someone say it: "Wow, your kids are so gooooood!" What the stranger means is that your child is being uncharacteristically quiet due to an impending virus, just waking up from a nap, or, perhaps, your toddler's mouth is so full of gummi bears that she's actually being silent for a few minutes. Equating "good" kids with children who are seen and not heard or kids who obey their parents drill sergeant-style, is one of my pet peeves.
What's wrong with complimenting a parent on raising a great kid, you ask? Everything. To say that a parent is doing a great job because of a snapshot 10 second encounter with a child is like evaluating a potential marriage partner based on if he or she has an innie or outie. It's irrelevant. These days parents feel immense pressure to produce kids who perform academically, emotionally, artistically...the list goes on. Are we parents nurturing human beings into maturity or lion tamers with the sole goal of whipping our subjects in to shape?
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The Guardian published an article entitled, "Since when did obedience become the epitome of good parenting?" that I highly agree with. An entire generation of parents has been terrified into thinking an obedient child will be a successful adult (possibly due to that ever prevalent anecdote about the child running into the street and being struck by a car because he wasn't taught to heed his parent's warnings). I disagree. Children are brilliant. They can absolutely learn to perform when there are adults present and go buck wild when there's no one watching.
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I'm far more interested in knowing what my children's motivators are, who they are, how they are processing life rather than just making sure that when I say jump, they ask "how high?". It's easy to train a monkey or a child through manipulation, bribery, or fear. I want my girls to question authority- even me! I welcome questions and "whys?" because it shows me that they're thinking. I believe that children need to be children. They ask questions. They aren't quiet (unless they're sick or about to be sick- see above). They don't always listen. And that's OK. I don't believe children learn about life based on what we say- what we do and how we treat others makes a far bigger, more lasting impression.
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